Month: August 2019

Recently, I am working on myself on way too many areas and levels. I have always been far too hard on myself, to a fault, and liking (let alone loving) myself has really never been indulged. I have help, at this time, to learn to forgive myself and be more positive. If you have ever had to learn these lessons, I am sorry. But if you have not had to, then good for you. It is extremely hard for some of us. I found that it was easier for me to say the harmful things before anyone else could, in my head of course. So that when others said anything, it was never new to me, and hurt less. It still hurt, mind you, but I had already said it mercilessly, and, “Ha ha! Beat you to it!”

For weeks now, I have said that I am fixing me, or at least trying. Fixing implies I am broken. Today I realized that I am not broken or in need of mending. I just need some polishing up or some refinement. I do like me, and came to terms with that this week. My task from last Wednesday was to write down three things of, and about, me that I like. And in less than a week, it made me realize that the things I am writing down are good things! I know that sounds obvious, but to me that is a break-through. I like me! And in the spirit of positive reinforcement, I will continue to write these three things for a while until I retrain my brain to fully incorporate this friendly thinking.

My alcohol consumption, and I think I have said this before already, was a way to cover up that ditch that was never filled in the first place. That gaping hole of self-doubt, self-hate, insecurity, unhappiness, etc. Now that the “glamorized fog” is lifting, I see that trench I built. And it hurts a lot, knowing that for 41 years, I was my own worst bully. No one else in the world treated me as harshly and as hatefully as I did, and I have started to repair this damage. The process will not be easy or quick… But at least I am no longer hemorrhaging happiness. But I admit that I have the steps four, eight, and nine to work through with myself. Wish me luck!

Anyone out there done the same thing? Would be an interesting discussion, wouldn’t it?

Hugs!

My trust is all over the place. Sometimes we all yearn to trust others completely and other days, we want to disclose the minimum and be left alone. Today was both.

I met up with a GOOD GOOD GOOD friend for breakfast before work and it was a blast. We pick back up and laugh together, but we have been through the wringer as well. She knows I would and will have her back no matter what and vice versa. That trust was earned and is well kept between the two of us. And then I went to work at my current retail job (non-medical) with a mix of teenagers, barely older than teenagers, and a senior coworker. Sundays are like that, and are always exhausting. This is my weekly reminder that they are my coworkers, not friends. I somehow manage to trudge through and get home to my family and realize why I love it here. I’m currently very relaxed in the office with a glass of ice water and thoroughly content.

Do you feel drained from the amount of barriers you have to put up when you are around people because they have proven they are untrustworthy? My fear is that some people do not know what it feels like to completely relax and be at ease around certain people, our mental and emotional safe place or HOME, as Mom and I call it. We have two places where we like to feel safe. One is our physical address. The other is with friends and family who we have a deep connection with that we love and from whom we receive love. A thought that just occurred to me is my spiritual home from our higher power. All of these have the potential to energize and empower us to continue with our responsibilities.

I value and miss my Home when I have not visited it/them in a while. Today was a good day, despite the struggles. It took writing this to realize this, so I thank you for listening to my rants.

Hugs!

How many people ask for patience at least once a week? Often times, I just want to explode instead of learning patience.

Today, my sister and I started reading, “The Gifts of Imperfection,” by Brene Brown. It’s been a really fascinating read so far, and we have yet to get in to the meat of it all, let alone the daily practice of courage, compassion, and connection. The bigger test of patience has been with the authoritative entity intertwined in my life for the next five years. They are called Washington Health Professional Services, or WHPS. I refer to it as WHIPS, because I really do feel whipped. My life is not mine right now, I am only surviving not living. I understand that I made a mistake, but I made amends to the court and DMV, and continue to try to make things right. Time and time again, though, I feel like new rules are made to frustrate and discourage me, including returning to work as a nurse.

We all have struggles. I am learning that mine are not as bad as some, and am at least trying to get through. One day at a time. It is interesting that the AA philosophies can be applied to almost anything else in life. Getting through hardship, loss, depression, illness. Easy for me to say? I am merely re-typing this from what other people who HAVE gone through these difficulties have said. “Taking another 24 hours.” Take each day as it comes and get through with courage, compassion, and connection. “Have courage and be kind,” as the Cinderella philosophy states. What Cinderella neglected to tell you, but was implied, is the connection. Be with family and friends who support and love you. Currently, my sister is in the other room watching a movie, waiting for me. I do love that lady!

I could not go through what I do without my friends and family. I will strive daily to never take them for granted. To schedule quality time with them.

This will not be the last post on patience… It’s a pretty important topic.

HUGS!