Bear with me, I am new at blogging and have no real training in writing. However, I can type and have a lot of things to share. I can’t wait to hear what any and everyone has to say to contribute. This is NOT a sight for income, please be aware. I am encouraged to journal, so why not try to reach out and help people while doing it?
So I guess I should start from the relative beginning. I am a 41 year old who has worked as a nurse for 15 years. I started drinking, mostly wine, in 2006. Turns out, it was mostly to cover up my feelings. A lady in AA said it was, “a glamorized fog,” for her. I thought this was well said and pertained to my issues and circumstances quite well. The drinking ramped up, as it always does, and took over like a bulldozer. In 2015, I was convicted of a misdemeanor DUI, and the guilt/shame compounded. Today I am struggling with outpatient rehab and getting my job back as a nurse. My drinking NEVER negatively influenced or influences my patients, I wouldn’t let it. I wouldn’t let a lot of things hurt my patients, including the doctors. But once you make a horrible mistake like this, the world will never let you free again.
THIS is primary reason I am writing. To reach out. Is anyone there that has been through similar circumstances? I am not searching for a support group, I already have a few. I am looking for others. Other people who may or may not be an addict, by the true definition of the word. And who wants to be heard as well.
I was told… “Regular people change their drinking habits to retain their circumstances. Addicts change their circumstances to retain their drinking habits.” After 2015, I decreased my drinking drastically. In treatment, they say that denial is “Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying.” And they keep hammering this in my brain that I am an addict, that I have a disease. Depending on the day, I would have a bottle and a half of wine in the evenings over the course of 3-4 hours. Not nightly, and certainly not before all my work was done. I couldn’t manage to be functional once I had a drink. Other nights, I poured a glass and it would sit there… All night… Until morning. Untouched. I would end up throwing the liquid down the drain, usually with a fly in it if it was left until morning. Amazing how well wine catches flies!
I said all of that because I want to be heard that maybe I am, maybe I am not, an alcoholic. Alcohol does not control my life now. But the Board of Nursing (aka Board of Bullies) DOES right now. I am hoping to reach people who are frustrated like I am. I am deeply tired of being put in to a box for someone ELSE to be able to define me.
Anyway, done for today… I hope your day goes well, and know that you have me as your cheerleader.
HUGS!